


In The Rain, It's You

by Sailingfreely



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Obviously inspired by Dancing in The Rain, Smut, Soft homey romance, The teeny tiny angst about their past, Their interaction are fluff fluff fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:47:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28320384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sailingfreely/pseuds/Sailingfreely
Summary: "Don't you think it feels like Christmas?"This moment or being with you?Jaehyun asked in his head, but it's the same, isn't it? "It does, and it feels like there's only us in this world."Taeyong laughs, squeezing his hand, "what do you want for our Christmas Jaehyun?"Without thinking, with bold honesty, Jaehyun answer, "you."'In the train did we met, and in the rain, we danced.'
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 12
Kudos: 83





	In The Rain, It's You

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas beautiful people!!  
> I think we all need some fluff and here it is, fluff!!
> 
> I was inspired by Faded in My Last Song and Light Bulb, with of course, Dancing in The Rain.  
> Taeyong's past embodied Light Bulbs, where Jaehyun's was Faded in My Last Song.  
> And them together? Dancing in The Rain 💕
> 
> The snippet of a song i put in this fic was from Ruel -Painkiller.
> 
> This fic existed because of my sweet, beautiful Rita, whose tweet i saw about how Dancing in Rain made her feels things and yes, it does feel like falling in love, isn't it?

_'I hate this_.'

Jaehyun's eyes down to white and black, mahogany under his dancing fingertips, tremble across his skin and yet, he feel nothing. ' _Since when I hate playing piano? Since when I play for people, for someone, yet it feels like I'm playing alone in a void darkness with no sound?_ ' He hates, to hate what he once loved, _who_ he loved. Like an afterimage, a silhouette in a fading light that he could feel the lasting presence in the darkness but cannot touch, can see no longer. ' _Who told you to chain something you loved to someone you loved, Jaehyun? It's bound to break everything, everything you ever loved._ '

He stepped out the building, breathing in the cold air of autumn like a dying love and walk away as if bidding farewell. Why would he stay and try, when the only thing he sees in their eyes the same goodbye he's been refusing to say? There should be nothing, but with aching, denied anguish deep in his chest, he realized it's still there. A dying hope.

The train home that day was crowded like always, and he thought, _how much longer I should take this route?_ Why was he still thinking of being here tomorrow if he had decided farewell? Because it's been his routine, it's hard to stop despite how much it hurts him. No, it doesn't even hurt anymore, he just feels numb. Maybe, he needs to start thinking of getting another job, something which has nothing to do with piano for the time being. It'll be hard, he feels reluctant, but it must be done for the better good.

Suddenly something bumped his chest lightly, brought out of his inner turmoil Jaehyun look down, finding a head leaning to him. Initially he thought it was due to the swaying of the train and the man couldn't help colliding with him, considering how tight it is the surrounding, but the man stays there on his chest. Curious and a bit put off, he's bending down a little bit to see the man's face, only to notice that he's sleeping and make Jaehyun confused. The man must be exhausted to fall asleep while standing like that, Jaehyun didn't know what to do and tried to shake his upper body to wake him up, yet it was futile. It's awkward, bothering him, but then he gives up and let the man leaning on him.

He tries not to mind it, but curiosity compelled him to look at the person's face more clearly. The man is wearing a thick grayish sweater with black skin tight jeans, hair down to his neck and his face. Jaehyun stops and stare, because the man is good looking, so much that he couldn't take his eyes away. He didn't think he ever see anyone that handsome. But his musing was cut short abruptly when the train shakes and the crowds pushing into him, causing the man who's leaning on him to sway away and falling backward towards the door behind him. Out of concern and reflex, Jaehyun hurriedly put a hand on the door to lessen the impact of the person's head to the door. He watched with rap attention how the eyes fluttering open and showing off a beautiful big brown eyes. In the last moment, Jaehyun pulls away his hand, seeing the confusion on the man's face and spent the rest of his ride on that train staring at the man who's no longer sleeping.

The only thing which was memorable about that encounter was the man's stunning beauty, but Jaehyun didn't dwell on it, believing it was a one time encounter. But when he sees that face again two days later, in the same train, Jaehyun recognize him right away, a face hard to forget. This time Jaehyun is standing while the man is sitting in front of him in the usual crowded train, and again the man is sleeping. The difference is, Jaehyun could inspect the person's face more thoroughly, noticing the rough, dark colors on the slightly pale face, easy to tell how exhausted he is. Having nothing to do standing and waiting for the train to reach his stop, Jaehyun find himself coming up with scenarios as to why the man looks so spent. Interesting time filler, he thought and wondering, since when he ever pay attention to his surroundings? Anything to take his mind off the fading yet haunting ghost in his head.

Then, the man's head about to fall forward from the swaying train, again, Jaehyun reacted out of reflex and catch him. Before the man noticed, he pulls away and watched again how the man looked confused just like the last time. How funny, Jaehyun hides a smile. Maybe it's okay to give this man a hand like an invisible fairy, helping someone can lighten his mood a bit, not to mention this person must have rough days too if his tired look was any indication, it won't hurt anyone. And that was how Jaehyun start with his daily good deeds, whenever he sees the man sleeping on the train, he would keep an eye on him and stop him from falling.

Until one day, "was it you?"

For the first time since the first encounter few weeks ago, Jaehyun see the big brown eyes staring back to him, "huh?"

"The one who kept catching me?" The man asked, visibly nervous as if afraid to make a fool of himself if he was wrong.

Somehow, Jaehyun is tempted to tease him with something like _, 'no? What are you talking about?_ ' But since the man look so bothered, he decided not to, "yes, I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable."

The big eyes grow even bigger, "oh no, it's not, just... A bit embarrassing that i keep falling asleep, but thanks."

' _Why are you so tired everyday?_ ' was on the tip of his tongue, instead Jaehyun says, "it's normal for anyone to have rough days, nothing to worry about."

The man keep staring at him, exploring and it kind of makes Jaehyun squirm, before he smiles, "thanks, again, and also for trying to make me feel better."

Oh, doesn't he look sweet smiling like that? Jaehyun had an impression that maybe this person has a curt personality considering his sharp and cold look, perhaps he was wrong. He replies with a smile too, "it's nothing."

"Is this your train home? Since we always bump into each other here."

That reminds Jaehyun of something he tries to forget, "yeah, my route home."

The way the man blinks, seems to notice that Jaehyun doesn't want to be asked further, "obviously it's the same for me, it's a pain to ride home at this time, isn't it? It's always crowded."

"Ah yeah... It's annoying isn't it, I rarely can get a seat."

"There are certain stops where many people get off, sometimes you can get a seat there."

"Really? Never happen to me," Jaehyun smile again when the man chuckled.

"Well then, hopefully some time soon you'll have some luck."

 _Yeah, don't I really need that_? Jaehyun thought sadly in his mind, "I've accepted my fate," he said with deeper meaning within his aching chest.

"You never know," the man replied with a faraway gaze, not knowing when did their superficial conversation seem to shift into something more serious, one which held secrets only them knows "I've been riding this train for years, but you were the first person to ever help me. Sometimes things change when you thought it won't ever be."

Jaehyun thought over the words in his own situation, despite it bothers him that their conversation turned in that way, "maybe. Oh, it's my stop."

"Hey mister," the man called with a smile, stopping Jaehyun from walking away, "I'm Taeyong, in case we meet again and we can greet each other not with _hey_ or _you_."

The doors open, people rushing out and in, Jaehyun only have seconds to decide whether to tell his name or not, "I'm Jaehyun."

Since then whenever they meet each other, they would exchange greetings, sometimes with Taeyong dozing off, sometimes they're both awake. They would talk shortly, sometimes not talking at all, if they do nothing personal said, keeping themselves behind layers to hide. But gradually, the time spent for them to share words increases, until one day, Jaehyun noticed that Taeyong never again falling asleep and instead smiling a lot more like himself did. Strange, how their encounter could lift a bit of burden in their life.

One day it's raining hard, even the little distance to the station got Jaehyun wet and was met with a dry looking Taeyong on the train, staring at him confusedly, "is it raining?"

"Yeah, it just starts pouring out of nowhere," Jaehyun groaned, digging into his bag for his keys to place it in his pocket for easy access later. But he couldn't find it, "fuck, I think I left my key, goddammit, this day can't get any worse." The rain, the key, it has to happen this day after he finally said his final goodbye. Worst day ever.

Taeyong is staring at him quietly, and the next thing he said surprised him, "you can go to my place, it's cold and you're drenched, you might get a cold if you stay like that outside."

He looks up with wide eyes, not believing what he heard, he didn't think what they had is enough trust to let each other into their place, "you sure?"

"Sure, my conscience will trouble me anyway, if I don't see you tomorrow in the train," he chuckled, unknowingly causing a sting in Jaehyun's heart.

Because he won't get on that train anymore after that day, of course Taeyong didn't know, but the timing was too convenient. Maybe it's okay, if this the last time they saw each other, Jaehyun thought, "okay."

"Wait here, I'll get you a towel first before coming in, please put your shoes here," Taeyong pointed out the rack by the front door and dashed in to retrieve a couple of towels since he also got wet from their run to his apartment.

Jaehyun look around the place after he put away his damp shoes neatly, taking in the orderly and clean the space. There is a corner where pots of plants being put into shelves and more of bigger plants on the balcony with glass doors, a layer of see through curtain and another creamy colored curtain with cute patterns. He could also see a white themed small kitchen with pretty utensils and a round fluffy carpet in the middle of the wooden floor where a small table is placed with a small pot of succulent on top of it. The place is small, even from where he stands, Jaehyun could already see a bit of the bed with drawers under it. The wall he couldn't see must be where the wardrobe is placed and where it would lead to a bathroom, because not long Taeyong emerged with towels in his hands.

"Here, dry yourself and you can wear that slippers before going in. I'll ready the bath," he said so fast that Jaehyun couldn't interrupt, "it's almost 9pm, have you had dinner? Maybe I'll make dinner while you take a bath-"

"Taeyong," he calls, "it's okay, the towel is enough."

He blinks, then shook his head with a smile, "no you have to warm up first, it's cold outside and it's still raining. While we wait, you better listen to me and also, I haven't eaten yet, I'm hungry and I'm sure as hell won't be eating by myself. It's rude."

"No, but-"

"No but! Come in, come in, I just turned on the heater so it'll take a while, but you can sit here," he pointed to the small table and patted the fluffy carpet, "my place is small but please, make yourself at home."

Jaehyun coming in a bit awkward, gingerly sitting down and look around again at the sides he hasn't seen yet, finding a door beside the semi double bed which he believed to be the bathroom, "you have a cozy home."

"Isn't that right? I like this place, I decorated it as I liked it," Taeyong grinned before he went in the bathroom and run the water to fill the bath.

He sees the drawings on a wall, some papers plastered to it, they're colorful and unique, "are you an artist?"

A laughter vibrating through the walls, Taeyong's head peeking out, "what makes you say that?"

"The drawings, they're amazing."

Taeyong chuckles as he opens the wardrobe which stand from the floor and touched the ceiling, big and wide yet fit perfectly with the rest of the room. He pulls out some clothes and put them down on the bed, "that's my hobby, but sadly I don't pursue it, I'm just your everyday boring office worker."

"Oh why?" It just come out naturally, but Jaehyun realized it might be something he shouldn't ask considering their relationship which is, strange. They're not friends, barely an acquittance, "you don't have to answer that-"

"Because i don't think i have enough to offer and bring food on the table," he answered easily, "and for other reasons."

"Huh?"

"Are you okay with curry? Usually since I'm eating alone, I feel kind of lazy to cook so I would make a lot of curry and keep it in the fridge to heat up later. They're not spicy though, I'm not really good with spicy foods."

"Oh yes, I'm fine but curry but, you don't have to bother-"

"The bath must be ready now, get in Jaehyun and I'll heat up the curry for us," he turned to him with a smug look, "I'm not taking a no, so go now."

The bathroom was small, only enough to fit the essential things, the bathtub was also small that Jaehyun have to curl to fit inside with water only to below his chest. But it's hot enough to feel his muscles relaxing and coldness from the rain ebbing away. He wet his hands to rub his face, thinking with closed eyes, what is he doing there in someone else's bathroom? Someone he doesn't really know, in a situation where he wouldn't feel comfortable enough to impose. Yet Taeyong's warm and welcoming gesture doesn't bother him, in fact, he feels good. He reasoned that it's okay to be spoiled like this for once, after all this will be their last meeting, and yet at the thought of leaving this place, Jaehyun find himself a bit reluctant. Is he that lonely, to crave this man's warmth who seems so selfless and far too kind for his own good? Maybe he is, lonely, wanting to fill that emptiness since finally separated from the ghost which been haunting him for years.

When he comes out, Taeyong already plating their meals and putting them on the small table, with a laptop open streaming local channel and the man greeted him with an ever sweet smile, "are you warm enough?"

"I feel great, thanks... I really feel bad that you have to treat me like royalty right now," he chuckled.

Taeyong laughed, "what royalty, it was just a bath and a two days curry."

"And that's perfect enough, you're amazing," he sit down on the carpet, crossing his legs under the table across where Taeyong is sitting.

"Keep saying that and I'll be tempted enough to let you in everyday to have meals together," he laughed, before he seems to think over his words and slightly blushing, "um, I didn't mean anything weird to it."

If Jaehyun wasn't being too careful, he would've joked, ' _sure you don't_ '. But the sudden weird tension in the room makes him believe saying that would make it even weirder, so he opted to respond in a neutral way, "uh yeah, and your curry smells good."

"Yeah, uh, please dig in!" Taeyong said with a voice slightly pitched and obviously nervous, lifting up his spoon to also eat.

The curry was indeed good, "this is delicious... You must be a good cook."

"Oh no, you can't go wrong with curry, I'm just standard."

"No, i think you are good at it, it taste almost like in a restaurant."

Taeyong hummed, still with pink cheeks, "thanks... Can you also cook, Jaehyun?"

"I don't know, i don't really follow recipes and try things out with what i think will go well so maybe I'm fairly good?" He smiled when Taeyong also smiling widely.

"You're funny, i like your confidence."

"Be honest, you think you're also good, right?"

"Hmm, well, maybe," Taeyong shrugged with a smug look, causing Jaehyun to roll his eyes jokingly.

They were halfway done with their meals when Jaehyun heard a meow and scratching noises, he look up to see that Taeyong was too engrossed with telling his story about a hilarious coworker. He turned to the balcony and there he finds a cat trying to get inside, scratching at the glass door, "Taeyong."

"Huh, what?"

"Is that your cat?" He points to a meowing cat, a tabby cat.

Taeyong turned around and his face immediately perks up, "oh him! Wait, I'll get your food."

"You have a cat?" Does this apartment allow pets? He thought, but he didn't say it and only watching the man getting out a bowl and cat food from a drawer in the kitchen.

"Oh no, he's a stray, I don't know how he gets up here, it's the second floor after all, but he comes here every day," he scrunched up his face to Jaehyun, "and leave gifts."

"Gifts?"

"Yeah," Taeyong opens the glass door and right away the cat rubbing himself on his legs with a straight tail, purring, "like dead rats... Lizards... You get it."

"Ew..."

He laughed, "yeeeeeah."

Jaehyun continue to finish his curry, looking at the man cooing the cat which seems to love his touch, sometimes the cat prefers to focus on being petted that it forgot it's meal in the bowl. It's cute, Jaehyun thinks, he just didn't know which one is cuter between the two, the cat or Taeyong? He gathers his empty plate and bring it to the sink, washing it and bring Taeyong's attention to him.

"Oh Jaehyun, just leave it! I can do it later!"

"It's okay, you have already treated me so this is the least I can do."

Taeyong seems conflicted whether to stay with the cat or to take over, but when Jaehyun send a smile to his direction, he smiled back sheepishly and stayed with the cat, "thanks."

"I should be the one to thanked you," he put the plate on the drying rack after washing it, then wipes his hands, walking over to join on the small balcony, "this cat seems familiar with human, it doesn't seem like a stray."

"Isn't he?"

"What's his name?"

"Oh, i don't name him... I can't adopt him after all, i don't think it's right to name him."

"I see," Jaehyun hummed, reaching out to the cat so it could smell his fingers before he scratching at the furry head, "maybe one day."

He didn't realized after he said that, Taeyong is staring at him with a meaningful look, something like awe and something else he couldn't decipher, he turn to face him in question, "what...?"

"Nothing," Taeyong grins, "you're right, maybe one day."

Before he came into this place, Jaehyun was decided that this will be the last of them seeing each other, since he no longer ride the train they get on. In a way, Taeyong feels like a bookmark which put a sign that he had finished his long chapters and closed that book, there was no reason to meet each other again, he didn't even think their encounters was enough to warrant exchanging phone numbers.

Yet, he found himself saying, "can i sometimes come here to see this cat?"

Taeyong blink, then he snorted out a laugh, "sure, i like your company. But i have to say, this is the first time someone told me that they want to visit to look at this cat rather than me."

Jaehyun find the reason also ridiculous, but he's not one not to tease back with a smirk and lifted an eyebrow, "that's so? Mr. Popular?"

He rolled his eyes, "no, i wasn't talking about that. If anything you seems to be the popular one here."

"Oh really? What makes you think so?"

Taeyong shrugged, "you're good looking, very, I might add."

"My, are you flirting with me, Mr. Popular?" Jaehyun leaning in for an effect, expecting for the other man to get flustered, yet instead Taeyong also leaning even closer with a mirroring smirk.

"Does it seem so? Mr. Handsome?"

Jaehyun was a bit surprised, but he rather like the flirty taunt, "hardly, nobody really come my way."

"Hard to believe, isn't it," Taeyong put a hand under his chin, still a bit challenging, "I would."

This time he lifted both his eyebrows, "so you would, wouldn't you. I'm afraid I have to get going though." Taeyong watch him standing up and gathering his wet clothes, "do you mind if I borrow your clothes? Also, if you have a plastic bag?"

"It's alright, here I got one," he goes to get one from one of the drawers in the kitchen, "sorry that I forgot to put them in the dryer."

"It's fine, you saved me plenty already."

"Also if I made you uncomfortable," he adds when Jaehyun putting in his wet clothes in the plastic bag.

"Uncomfortable? Why would I be?"

"Just now... And that now you suddenly have to go," Taeyong scratch his neck.

"Oh, our joking? No, I'm not uncomfortable in any way, I just have a train to catch, if you don't realize how late it has gotten. Wouldn't want to miss the last train," he chuckled, trying to assure the man, who's looking at the clock on the wall in reflex.

"Oh, I didn't realize."

"So it seems," he smiled, "if there's still time, best believe i will only leave after i made you squirm."

"Squirm? Uncomfortable squirm or...?" Taeyong smiles, already back to teasing.

"Who knows? Maybe next time we will see," he took his shoes and forced himself not to grimace from how damp it is on his feet. Then, he opens the door, "thank you for your hospitality, Taeyong, i meant it. I'll bring back your clothes after I washed it."

"Sure, don't worry about it and be careful on your way."

Jaehyun nodded as a greeting and start walking out, noticing the way Taeyong lingering by the door, until he calls out, "Jaehyun?"

He turned around, "yes?"

"Can I have your number? So you could notify me when you want to see the cat, or when you don't remember the way here."

 _Should he?_ He asked himself. He could have a second thought and never come back for the cat since it was only a reason he made out of a whim, but giving his phone number means it's more likely that they'll contact each other again. But then again, why not? Taeyong didn't know what he does for a living, he didn't even know Jaehyun enough for anything else that he fears about, the man simply enjoyed his company for the person that he is. So why not? He enjoyed their time too.

"Sure, although the way here is pretty simple to remember, but I suppose I should inform you before coming, or else I'll interrupt your time with the people who want to see you and not for the cat, will I not?" He grinned.

Taeyong shook his head with a smile, "I have a feeling that you'll not let me get over that, would you? I really didn't mean that in that way, God," he pulls out his phone to give it to Jaehyun

"Whatever that way, which you mean?" He put in his numbers and give the phone back.

"Go home, you big tease, I'll see you tomorrow in the train," Taeyong giggled.

This time, Jaehyun only smiled tightly without saying anything, "good night, Taeyong."

"Good night, Jaehyun."

\---

The company Taeyong work for, actually only a distance away from his parent's house, a distance he could cover by walking. And it was always the question his mother asked to him, ' _you could've commute from here, why would you move out into a farther place?_ '

Simple, they both know the answer to it and yet, she would always ask and he would always answer, _'i want to live by my own.'_

' _Why not get a place nearby? Why must it be stations away?'_

Again, they both know the answer to it, but this time Taeyong didn't answer and only smiled, then be on his way to his own home. And as always, his mother would not ask further and that's the kindness Taeyong bestowed her into their play pretend. If he could choose, he would rather not play a part in her game of being fake, but then again he have no strength to go against her for the second time. Once was already enough to leave a scar which will never heal, until she choose not to be blind from his choices.

It's a requirement for him, to visit her daily since her house is near his office, and like the many years she has doctrines him, he couldn't object no matter how much he wanted to. He chose to live far from her to erase the ghost of her tight clutches around his life, and yet, there he is still fear her presence in his own home even though she never was there. It's ridiculous how he fear her so much to the point he never invite anyone into his place, fear of causing misunderstanding and fear of her will forcefully bring him back into her house.

He noticed, one of the lamps outside her house sometimes would blink and blink before it went on for the rest of the night. He always sees it whenever he's about to go in and he would wonder, when will she change that light bulb? Did she even realize it? It goes on and off, on and off, just like their relationship going on lies and Taeyong would stare at the blinking lamp until it'll stay on before he comes in. But she never change it, no matter how it start to stay off longer than it is on, she never realize it. When one day he comes and see the light bulb no longer lights up, he turns around and never come in.

Who loves who more? Does she love him more than he loves her, if she couldn't, won't accept who he truly are? He doesn't think so, and finally, he chose to let go and never come back.

Feels like guilt, and exhaustion since it's harder to sleep at night at the thought of her hating him and being angry with him. But then, it starts to get better when this man with the name of Jaehyun would greet him with a smile. A tired smile, pain in his eyes and just as much exhaustion in his whole being like he was. Perhaps it started from a kindred ship, or maybe Taeyong only imagine it to be so, still it lift him up even just a bit. More than that, he also realized that, oh this stranger didn't only look and do nothing, _he helped me_. A kind gesture that has become so rare in this mad world.

From there, he began to expect to see this man, whether the tiredness in his eyes will lessen or not as days come and go. But every day, Taeyong only saw him getting even more pained and he made it a mission to engage a light conversation in hope that could maybe lift a bit of the man's burdened heart like he had done so with his own. Perhaps it's nothing for this man named Jaehyun, or maybe he found Taeyong annoying rather than anything else, but he supposed the thoughts counted. And from their encounters Taeyong also find an answer about himself, that he's not at fault, whatever his mother tried to make him believe in, he don't share that believe and it's not his fault.

And after the sudden visit to his place in a rainy day, Taeyong never see Jaehyun again in the train and he thought, _ah this was why the man looked so strange when I told him 'see you tomorrow in the train'_. Maybe that first visit was meant to be the last, maybe that was his last kind gesture to Taeyong and it was his farewell. He smiled to himself in the train full of people and without Jaehyun, maybe one of these days he'll receive a packet of his washed clothes to his door instead of the man coming back personally. The smile was a bit sad and questioning, was Jaehyun finally able to move forward from whatever caused the pain in his eyes, or was he simply presented another path with the same pain still haunting him? Taeyong would never know, wouldn't he? Or at least that's what he thought.

Because he didn't really expect his phone to lit up with Jaehyun's name popping up his screen. It's been over a week, he had thought he will not hear from the man anymore, but what this text would be about? Unexpectedly Taeyong found himself curious, a bit scared yet also excited to open it.

' _Can I come over today? After your work hours_.'

He read it over for many times, wondering a bit if this was really Jaehyun, it was. So he typed in and reply, ' _yes, you can go straight to my place or should we meet up at the station?'_

 _'I can wait by your place._ '

Taeyong spent the rest of his day looking at the time, in a hurry and speed up to finish his workload for the day. He shouldn't have to worry, since he always managed to finish his work at the same time, that was why they always met in the same train almost every day, but he made sure that he wouldn't have to do overtime that day. Getting out his office, he always made a detour to pass by his mother's house, but never again coming in only for the sake of routine he's not yet capable to let go. Then he comes running to his home as soon as he gets off the train, not knowing whether he'll see Jaehyun already waiting.

Of course, it's Jaehyun, somehow Taeyong guessed it that the man is not one to be late because he's already there waiting in front of his door, "hi."

"Hi Jaehyun, how long have you been waiting?" Taeyong exhales, turning in his key and open his door, motioning Jaehyun to get inside first.

"Not long, I know it's around this time that you get off the train," he said, taking off his shoes and put it in the rack without being told and it was something Taeyong appreciated. "We were in the same train often enough that I remembered the time."

"That reminds me, you haven't been on the same train this week," Taeyong chuckled, not wanting it to sound like he's trying to pry.

"Yeah, I got a new job somewhere," he walks in, looking at the small table then to Taeyong who's taking off his jacket, "mind if I sit?"

"Why would I mind you sitting? Do you think I'll expect you to stand around the entire time you're here or laying in my bed?" Taeyong grinned, gesturing Jaehyun to take off his jacket too, "let me hang that for you."

"Now I might also have to ask why you're asking me to lay in your bed?"

"I don't know, maybe you're too tired to sit and prefer to lay down?" He hangs their coats and goes to his wardrobe to get his home attire, putting it on the bed and right away undoing his shirt.

"I could lay on the carpet, it doesn't have to be necessarily your bed," Jaehyun sit down, propping his head with a hand on the small table, watching Taeyong taking off his shirt and proceeding to unbuckle his pants, "you taking off your clothes right now only sending me certain signals."

"And what signals would that be?" He grins, making it a show when he's pulling off his pants, bare skin only covered with undergarment over his crotch.

"Oh, would you prefer we getting it on right away?"

Taeyong laughed, "okay smartass, get your mind out the gutter, I'm only changing my clothes because I'm not going to stay in that office clothes for a moment longer today."

"You're no fun," Jaehyun sighed, faking a disappointment, "but joking aside, you shouldn't strip so easily in front of a stranger, that's dangerous."

Taeyong stops, only just putting on his sweatpant before he turned around and winked, "i don't invite strangers into my home, baby."

"Oh so now I'm your baby? And is that supposed to be a wink? I almost thought you got something in your eyes."

"Please, do you have a mission to annoy me today?" He rolled his eyes and wear his sweater.

"Am I annoying?"

"Do you see me kicking you out?"

Jaehyun chuckled, "I'll take it as a no."

"Have you eaten?" He put his dirty clothes to their place and goes to the kitchen, trying to see what he have to cook.

"The polite answer would be yes, but do we prefer honesty between us?"

"Yes, Jaehyun, answer it quick before i decided to offer you a can of red beans."

"Ew, why would you have a can of red beans?" He scrunched up his face.

Taeyong taps his foot on the floor, "Jaehyun."

"I'm still hungry for more."

"Hungry for food, yes? That I can offer you something."

"My, Taeyong, get your mind out of the gutter," he grinned, earning himself a garlic thrown to him, "ouch, out of all things you got there why you throw me a garlic? You think I'm a vampire or something?"

"Would you prefer me throwing something sharp?" Taeyong laughed when Jaehyun made a duck face, "I thought so."

"This tells me that I have to be careful around you, seems you have violence tendency."

"That's a first someone said about me," he takes out some ingredients from the fridge and sort them out on the kitchen counter, "must say I'm not a fan of that one."

"Really, I rather like it."

"Oh?" Taeyong turned around with his biggest grin, "are we revealing preferences now?"

"No, I was talking in general, just your reaction was funny," Jaehyun cleared his throat, reaching for his bag, "anyway I got something for you."

"Makes one wonder if you're telling the truth if you're suddenly changing the topic," he chuckled, taking the paper bag from Jaehyun's hand, "ah my clothes? And cat snacks... How nice."

"I came for the cat, remember?" Jaehyun snorted smugly.

"Now I'm thinking, if I should offer you food at all."

"Well, we can always go for dinner outside if you won't offer me anything," Jaehyun shrugged, but Taeyong is not a fool and that makes him smile.

"Another day, I would like that."

"Well then, tonight we have to make do with your cooking, would we?"

"At least make it sound like you don't like my cooking."

"Eh, it never crosses my mind," Jaehyun smirked and Taeyong shakes his head.

"You're hilarious."

\--

It's not like Jaehyun so blissfully forgotten how hard it was for him with his previous unrequited, twisted love, a relationship which built on lies and never bear fruits, instead only poisoned him. Being hurt for so long doesn't make him used to it, every time it hurts, it hurts more than before within a numbing sense of giving up, and it's still like that from time to time at the remembrance. And that's one of the reasons why he frequents to visit Taeyong or ask him out for a dinner, to forget the pain. Because when he's with Taeyong, he breathes easier and he forgets, sometimes to the point that he _needs_ to see the other man.

Yet when does it start, that when he sees Taeyong open his door for him, Jaehyun feels a fuzzy warmth which made him giddy and at the same time, in peace? Their flirting jokes feel so easy, so natural and it makes him happy, playful and he has fun whenever Taeyong reacts with even daring flirtatious act or being cute. That's even before he realized it, he began to flirt not just for a joke, but to see how he can affect the man. There's a thought which kind of scared him, that he might get in too deep and it'll go wrong again. But then Taeyong is different, Jaehyun thinks even if he did get in too deep, he has a trust that Taeyong would still treat him kindly and respectfully.

That's why he stands there again, with a bright smile as Taeyong open his door also with a smile, although he looks suspiciously to him, "why hello there Jaehyun, I see that you brought something again and it's quite a lot, I'm almost afraid to ask what is it you bring me."

"Why are you afraid to ask?" He gets in when Taeyong lets him.

"Because my pantry is now too full of cat treats rather than human foods and I don't know where else to put them!" Taeyong fake crying, making Jaehyun laugh instead.

"Is that so? I filled your pantry to the brim already?"

"You weren't joking when you said you came for the cat, you only ever brought cat things over," he sighed.

Because that's the reason he used, now that Taeyong said that already, Jaehyun could bring things he would like to give Taeyong without being afraid he would make it seem obvious that he come there for the man, "don't worry, I only bring one cat treat this time, the rest is yours."

"Mine?" Taeyong is visibly perks up, if he have dog's ears and a tail, Jaehyun bet he'll be wagging happily, "now this makes me excited, what did you bring me-" he looked into the bag and pouts in disappointment, "these are all ingredients..."

Jaehyun laughed softly, "for a hot pot! It's been cold lately, I think it's nice for us to have a hot pot."

"That's it, you're using me," he still pouts.

Jaehyun mimics the pout, "if I'm using you I'll only bring my portion for you to cook."

Taeyong narrow his eyes, "but I'm still the one cooking."

"Is it my fault when you never let me help whenever I offer?"

He hmph-ed, "fair enough... I just don't feel at ease letting other people in my kitchen or use it. It's kind of my comfort place."

"Not the bed?" Initially Jaehyun asked that because he likes it the most to laze around in his bed when he's feeling bad, but the surprise look on Taeyong's face makes him want to tease, "you know, when you-"

"I think it's coming, the day I'm kicking you out."

He laughed out loud, "you really should see your face, i didn't mean it in that way, geez stop thinking dirty things."

"With your records of teasing me, that's not really trustable," he scoffed.

"But you're the one who often-"

"Shhhh, shut up, shut up, just sit, don't bother me I'm going to prepare the food," Taeyong cuts in quickly and pushed him to sit by the small table.

Jaehyun was still giggling when he was given a bowl and a knife, "what?"

"Preparing hotpot is a lot of work, you offered to help so you can do this much, right?" He said while giving Jaehyun some vegetables.

"Hey, I'm an excellent cook you know."

"Then why are you coming here so often to make me cook for you?" He lifted an eyebrow, skeptical.

"I didn't make you cook for me, I wanted us to eat together because it's more delicious like that."

Taeyong's lips squirms and it looks like he's holding back a smile, "you're so smooth Mr. Popular, I'll take it that I'm a better cook than you."

"No, it's more delicious because I'm eating them with you," he knows the man would take what he said as a joke or some sort, but in reality, that was his honest feelings. He's not surprised when Taeyong didn't reply and quickly go back to the kitchen to do his part.

With experienced hands, he peels and cuts the vegetables, put them together in the bowl while he's humming and singing, " _To keep me from heartbreaks, headaches. The doctor says I'm diagnosed with shit days, mistakes. But I'll be fine, but I'll be fine. 'Cause you're my painkiller, when my brain gets bitter, you keep me close. When I've been miserable and it takes forever to let my brain get better. You keep me close, you keep me close_."

"Are you singing?" Taeyong asked when he's taking the prepared vegetables from him.

"Oh sorry, it was kind of automatic, did that bother you?"

"No, you have a nice voice, you can be a singer... I'm actually surprised."

"I may be like this, but I'm actually a musician, you know," Jaehyun said proudly, "I make music, I also... Play piano... Not too long ago I tutor someone to play piano."

Taeyong must have noticed that the mood turn sour when he said about the piano, because he didn't ask that and instead ask about the song he was singing, "so were you singing one of your song?"

"No, I heard it a few days ago in a shop, and I like it because it's kinda fit my mood recently, it was Painkiller by Ruel."

"Oh, I've heard of him, maybe I'll check that one out, sounds like a playful song."

"Yeah, it is, it's about having someone who cheers you up no matter what," he smiles, chest warm just at the thought.

"Oh~" Taeyong teases, "you found someone is that it?"

"True, that even though life is shit, being with you makes me experience the fun of living," he grins, he's practically confessing, but he hides it under playful tone, he's not ready yet. He had thought that Taeyong would reply with another, ' _you're so smooth_ ', yet what he sees was the soft color of red on the man's cheeks, a sweet curious smile and slightly frowned eyebrows. Jaehyun didn't say anything to save the sudden weird tension in the room, not wanting to make it even weirder.

But against all his expectations, Taeyong says, "I could say the same to you."

They spent their dinner sharing a bit awkward smiles, little teasing as if testing the water and playing a game of who can eat the most of the meat -Taeyong did, but Jaehyun never going to let him know that he lets him just because he likes to see the man's smiles and cute full cheeks-. Bottles of soju and beers start to cover not only the surface of the small table, but also the carpet and the floor around them, suddenly determined to get dead drunk together that night.

Both of them laying there in the carpet, staring to the ceiling with spinning head, it's terrible to be in that position while it's spinning that much, yet they don't care. Jaehyun turning his head to face Taeyong, to see his face with the blur in his eyes and he couldn't see much since the man is not looking back to him. Somehow, there's an urge to touch, his cheek or something, just to feel if he's really there with him, not really thinking why he need to do that. His head feels like a mess, yet at the same time so quiet just like the room.

The words which slipped out Jaehyun's lips wasn't anything he expected to ever say, "must we unload the baggage before we can move on and pull the wheels to roll?"

Taeyong didn't take his eyes off the ceiling as if he didn't hear Jaehyun at all, but then his lips also move ever so slightly with soft whispers, "what wheels...? Are you talking about a car?"

Unknown why, Jaehyun suddenly giggling, long and drawling, causing the other man to laugh along too with no reason, "why are we laughing?"

"We're so drunk..."

Jaehyun snorted, still laughing a bit before he replied, "not that drunk..."

"That's what drunk people said..." Taeyong whispered with closed eyes and there, Jaehyun stares at his face, his eyelashes, just everything about them being there in that spinning room in the dim light. When did they turn down the lights? Jaehyun couldn't really remember or think, other than how beautiful this man named Taeyong is, so peaceful in the shadow and soft yellowish light. The big, pretty eyes open like dark doors adorned with gold under the rain of light and when they fall on him, Jaehyun feels his heart faltered for a second. There's something existing in the air between them, colliding gently and thick like new found yearning.

It was then, Jaehyun decided to let the rust in his heart to crack down and start anew, "since we're too drunk to even think clearly, do you think you'll remember anything in the next morning?"

Taeyong blinks slowly, eyes looking too drunk, but appears to be thinking, "maybe I won't, maybe I will."

He reaches out to touch Taeyong's cheeks, fingers gliding on the smooth skin, tickling and it makes the man smiling. But beyond the wonder of Taeyong's painfully beautiful face, Jaehyun sees an image of black and white under his fingers, creating music, something he loved, "I used to love piano."

The dark brown eyes looking to him again, waiting for him to continue and Jaehyun thinks for a moment, have he sober up? How could he look straight at him like that if he were that drunk? Does he want to continue his story, if Taeyong would remember this in the morning? Whether Taeyong sensed his sudden fear or if he was merely responding, Jaehyun will never know, because then the man said, "I used to have to go to my mother's house, everyday."

A frown made on Jaehyun's face, confused for a moment, why Taeyong suddenly said that? But the man never look away, only blinking and stare at him, nothing in his eyes, no question, no pity, nothing. Jaehyun then thinks, perhaps, this is more about talking to themselves rather than to anyone else. Will they regret pouring out their secret come morning? Right then, in that moment with only them in the shadow and soft lights, they can only think that they're not anyone else. So Jaehyun continue, "I learnt piano because I wanted to impress someone at first... But then I fell in love with it."

Taeyong's eyes, they're looking to Jaehyun, but what he's seeing is not really the man lying before him, but images from the past, "I loved her, maybe I will still be forever. Sometimes I would question, why can't I just live like she wanted me to and we could love each other like how it should be?"

It makes Jaehyun want to ask, it feels heavy for them both, but the words Taeyong shared looms like an incoming storm and he's not sure he could react properly in his drunken state. Then again, what they are doing right now is with no expectations, he didn't expect Taeyong to give him an answer or anything like that and vice versa, just a moment to unlock and let go. "It wasn't only the piano I fell in love with... They love music far before me, I wanted to have and share what they have, but then I love too much."

"She never demands me to visit her every day, before it falls apart, she would only ask me to visit on the weekend... She told me she loved me, I believed she did, but now... I wonder if she love only what she believed what I am in her eyes, and not the real me," Taeyong says, hands under his chin, body curling.

Jaehyun too, curling up his body, as if it could safe his heart from revealing his story, "they... That person, never love me beyond their need and envious of what I could do and have. For years, I was to blind to realize how they were only using me, wring me dry, poisoned me with their sweet talks and move me like a marionette."

There's more lights in Taeyong's dark eyes, Jaehyun noticed it might be tears reflecting back the lights in the dim room, and as he knows it, he feels the way his nose stuffed and a wetness in his heavier eyelashes.

The smaller man opposite him stares at him, more than tears, something stirring in his eyes, "I, too, felt like a marionette. To be someone else, to be like anyone else out there, because she said I'm too different... That I'm sick and I have to heal, claiming she couldn't believe I won't do anything stupid if I don't visit her house every day. I just realized... She didn't ask me to do that because she wants to see me, but to control me, to instill fear within me, to listen to her."

He wants to close the mere inches between them, to embrace the person with him, the first person to ever hear his greatest shame and pain, but Jaehyun continues instead, "I feel so ashamed, when I realized just how pitiful, stupid I was to cling to someone who never care about me and only wanted my creativity, my music, my fingers. They took my music as if they were the one who created it, applauded and praised for it as I stare at them from some corner in an event they invited me to come, to feel their fame which should've been mine. And they would kiss me and left me hanging on the edges of a cliff, waiting for me to come and lick their feet again, or jump and save myself from embarrassment. They... Broke me so much I don't feel like a human."

A soft hand touched his chin, Jaehyun flinched a bit, not expecting Taeyong to reach out, his warm fingers caressing his skin up to his cheek, his temple, down to his nose, lips and back again to his cheek and holds it, "my mother... Made me believe that I'm not like everybody else, that I'm a faulty as if I'm not a human either... But Jaehyun, you feel the same as me, you look the same just like everyone else. I even thought... You're a perfect person, looking at you I wish I could be like you... Away from the lights and under these skins, aren't we the same...?"

"Taeyong... I'm far from being perfect... There are times when I hate, loathes myself, for being so... Useless, stupid, worth nothing, just a waste of space and time."

"I think the same about myself... But I don't think you are, Jaehyun... Because then, why you made me happy if you're nothing? How could you make me anticipate tomorrow if you're what you said you are? I think... You misunderstood yourself, Jaehyun... You're a joy in my life and I live with a smile after I met you."

Jaehyun couldn't help the tears running down his cheeks, chest tight and body trembling, he holds Taeyong's hand as he let the tears wash away the pain.

Then, Taeyong asked him, "my mom hates me for not liking women like other men should be... I used to hate myself for being like that. But Jaehyun, what do you see? Am I disgusting?"

It was painful enough with his own scars, but when he sees the tears wetting Taeyong's cheeks, the pain was almost unbearable and he just wants to cry, to gather him in his arms and cry like idiots until somehow the burden gets lifted up from their souls. But Jaehyun knows, Taeyong needs his answer, and honesty Jaehyun can give, "you're beautiful Taeyong, so beautiful it hurts to see, you shine like lights in dark roads... And nothing is wrong with you, nothing. I see a man with a beautiful soul who helps me face myself and let it go, not just anybody can do that. Your mother was wrong, you're not like anyone else because you're a faulty, but because you're special like no one else and anyone who could have you in their life is super lucky."

Even with so many tears, a smile rose to Taeyong's lips, much more beautiful than anything Jaehyun ever see, "why we want to be perfect? Why we even try, when I feel happy just be like this? With you, I feel happy being myself..."

And that makes Jaehyun cry again, reaching out to pull Taeyong closer, to hug him and wet the dark hair with his tears, "I think I'm happy too, I finally feel happy. If being happy means being with you, I don't need a perfect person, I just want to be with you."

Taeyong hugs him back, tightly, and it feels so right, "thank you Jaehyun... Thank you for saying that..."

"No... It's me who should say that, thank you Taeyong... For showing me that I can be happy."

And just like that, in the peace they've searched and found, they fell asleep.

  
There are noises tickling his senses, then with a loud bang as if someone slammed a door shut, Jaehyun opened his eyes in shock, blinking awake to see white ceiling staring back at him. The lamp on the ceiling does look familiar but it doesn't belong to his room, he couldn't quite understand where he is and only realized there's another person beside him when he felt something shifting along with a deep voice he recognized.

"Fucking hell, the walls too thin here..."

At first, he turned his face to the side to see Taeyong grumbling with closed eyes and holding his head, then he look down to see there's a blanket over them. Slowly piece by piece Jaehyun gets it that they're laying on the carpet together, sharing one blanket. Now that's new.

"It's weekend, why they gotta be so loud? What time is it..." He heard Taeyong continue grumbling and moving around until, "oh, you're awake..."

"Taeyong...?" He asked dumbly.

"Yeah," Taeyong yawned, moving his body so he's facing Jaehyun now, "good morning, although it's 11 am now... Ugh my head..."

"Why are we..." _Sharing a blanket?_

"You don't remember?" Taeyong gasped, only making Jaehyun even more nervous, "last night... You don't remember what you did to me?"

His pulse begin to race, causing the pounding hangover in his head even more painful, "did i... Do something to you...?"

There's a look of disbelief on Taeyong's face, until it gives way to amusement and he laughs, "you should see your face, but no, you did nothing. We just got too drunk and fell asleep here."

"Damn you, that's not funny," he sighed in relief, chuckling along when he's no longer anxious.

"Sorry, the idea just popped in my head," Taeyong grins, softly elbowed his arm, "what are you thinking huh?"

"Oh shut up. There's a blanket over us though, so you must've awaken up last night, so..." _Why are you sleeping here with me and not in your bed?_

Taeyong snorted, "I got woken up because it was too cold, but there's only one blanket because the other one still in the laundry. I'm not gonna let you sleep here and get you sick, but I wasn't that sober to get you to bed either, so I just sleep here with you."

"Oh, I see..."

"Do you mind? I thought after us sharing our hearts, sharing a blanket wasn't a problem."

Now that caused images of last night to flood Jaehyun's head and it makes him embarrassed, "oh God, last night I was... How shameful..."

"That goes to both of us."

"No, I was more... You weren't-"

"Then neither were you," Taeyong said firmly, hands twitching as if wanting to reach out, but he holds back, "we needed that, it wasn't embarrassing."

Jaehyun find himself saying, "I guess... You're right. But... Then why are you still here?"

"What do you mean, why I'm still here, this is my house you know."

"No, I mean... Here beside me...?" Won't people usually get up to avoid an awkward moment? Because it's kind of awkward for Jaehyun.

Taeyong blinks, "is that a problem?"

"Uh, you don't find this awkward?"

"Do you?"

"Kinda..." He whispered.

"Huh, isn't it pretty normal for friends to share blanket? Oh, perhaps you mind because I'm gay? I'm sorry if I made uncomfortable then-"

"No, I- that's not what I mean..."

"Jaehyun, it's okay if you are, I don't take it as insult-"

"No, Taeyong, i..." He reached for Taeyong's hand, holding it, "I don't care... About that."

Taeyong blinks, processing the words, "what do you mean by that?"

"Man or woman or not, I don't care about that, I just..." He couldn't say it, he's not ready. Whether they both gay doesn't mean his feelings automatically reciprocated, and he doesn't want to lose the place he has with Taeyong. But what to say, to keep Taeyong and at the same time telling him what's in his mind, without ruining anything?

Gently, Taeyong turn his hand in Jaehyun's hold and squeezes it, "it's okay Jaehyun, if you couldn't put it into words, let's wait until we could."

He looks up, sees the ever present smile on the man's beautiful face, gravitating and understanding. Jaehyun breathes in relief, nothing is ruined, and Taeyong had given him time, something he needs and appreciate very much. Then, he responded with a smile of his own, "would you mind, if we... Sometimes go out for dinner? When you're not busy that is..."

Taeyong chuckled, they've been out for dinner a few times before, it's weird that Jaehyun had to ask that, "are you asking me out, Jaehyun?"

"No, I, I was, uh," he inhaled, nervous and suddenly frantic to find the right words. But didn't Taeyong say the right words? He calms himself down, with this man, he shouldn't be that afraid to be honest, "... Yes, I'm asking you out."

He squeezes Jaehyun's hand again, warm and firm, "I'd love that very much."

They don't know what they are, they don't think about it but to enjoy the time they shared and how good it feels. They still flirts with each other, but it feels different because they're conscious of it and wasn't just a joke. Sometimes, the smiles they shared after they flirt too boldly, are quite awkward, yet nice and welcomed. They would go for dinner at least once a week, the conversations they shared were deeper than previously and sometimes, they would say things which not really something a friend would say. Like more than friend, yet less than a lovers.

"You should eat more, Taeyong. I see you're getting thinner these days and you've been busy, are you taking care of yourself properly?"

"I do eat," he pouts, "I only skipped meals a few times either because I was getting late or got no time for a lunch."

"For days? Of course you're getting thinner that way," Jaehyun sighed, picking up the meats off the grill and put it on Taeyong's plate, "here, eat more, I'm going to fatten you up."

"It's just the way my body is, too thin and it's hard to put on weight..."

"I get it, but if you lose more weight than you already are you will make me worry." Taeyong stares at him, big eyes unwavering and it prompted Jaehyun to ask, "what?"

"You're worried about me?" He grins.

Jaehyun almost want to roll his eyes, but he's blushing instead, "of course I am, are you telling me I can't be?"

"No, it's nice. I'm sorry to make you worry, but it does feel nice to have someone care about me," this time his smile is sweet, pretty and happy.

Jaehyun clears his throat, "I do, care about you."

Taeyong shift his hand and propped his head on it, looking so cute with a teasing hum, "you know Jaehyun, that colleague you told me been giving you coffee even though you weren't that close to her? I don't like her."

"Oh? Why?" He frowned.

"I think she's flirting with you, I mean, that's kind of obvious isn't it."

"Really...?" He thinks about it, but then there's a hand holding his cheek.

"Don't think about her, I don't like you thinking about someone who's flirting with you when I'm here with you."

Jaehyun blushing again, this time he's not alone because Taeyong also blushing even though he's the one who said it, and giggles, "did that make you cringe?"

"I did get goosebumps," Jaehyun laughed together with the man, "but... It's a nice kind of goosebumps."

Taeyong makes a face, "you know, I only know one kind of good goosebumps and that usually involve-"

"No, Taeyong, stop, no dirty jokes," he groaned in embarrassment much to the man's amusement.

"How do you know I was going to?"

"It's you, of course I know."

It seems what he just said elicit another smile on Taeyong, one which more beautiful than the previous and one which would occasionally come out with meaning and makes Jaehyun's heart leaps with pleasant assumptions, "I like that you think that you know me, and comfortable with it without it sounds like you're imposing a false image on me."

He knows where did those words born from, Jaehyun can't help but feel a bit guilty because of it, "I don't mean it to sound like I know you better than yourself, it's just because of the patterns usually present in our conversation so-"

"Shh, I know," Taeyong hushes him softly, "I said I like it, don't worry too much, if I don't I will tell you and that's because we have a working communication, okay?"

"... Alright."

"And you'll do the same, if I do something you don't like, tell me."

Jaehyun's heart melts a little, he never has something like this, an open and honest conversations where it's taken with consideration, compromise and understanding without it feels like offense, insults or selfishness. "You shouldn't be more perfect than this."

"Perfect?" Taeyong laughs, "I'm far from perfect, you know this."

"But to me, you're already perfect."

"I don't like being told I'm perfect, it's a lot of burden."

That's not what Jaehyun means, he didn't like how his words could be taken wrongly, "I mean... Nobody's perfect, not me, not you, no one. But your quirks, kinks and all, that's all you, the real you and for me, that's perfect because you're being who you really are with me. People who are totally perfect, means they are hiding themselves to show only what they expect people wants to know, that's not what I want or need, that's not perfect for me."

He makes a face, nose scrunched up as if he's grimacing yet there's a wide, cute grin with teeth showing, "you smooth talker, you really know how to push my buttons."

"The good buttons...?" He also grins.

"The good ones," then Taeyong gathers his coat, standing up, "let's go home, it's getting stuffy sitting here with you with all these people around us."

Oh. Jaehyun's hearts beat harder again, realizing the other man wants them in a more private setting. He didn't dare to overanalyze what would it entail to, but he's not going to ever complain if it does include of them being more intimate. In whatever form. Without discussion they split the bill, perfectly aware they would start to argue who's going to pay, so they chose the safest, quickest way. When they come out of the restaurant though, it was raining lightly.

"Oh my, i think there's a convenient store around there where we could buy some umbrellas-"

"Do you have something you shouldn't get wet?" Taeyong asked without looking to him.

"No... I didn't bring any of the sort in my bag."

"Neither did i, i didn't bring anything couldn't get wet in my briefcase."

 _So?_ Jaehyun inquire only with his eyes, then Taeyong look to him with a smile, "let's walk home, there's nobody else in the rain, we can hold hands without fear."

Oh how silly did Jaehyun's heart go, his hand automatically reach out to Taeyong's open palm and holds it dearly, feet light and they went into the cold rain. In few minutes they're already drenched, yet they don't care and continue walking, street lamps lights up their path and colors bouncing on the water under them as if they're crossing a deep lake. So simple, so fleeting, yet so magical the moment was. Noises of cars and motorbikes sounds far away, chattering from the buildings unheard, instead they notice the soft, muffled songs from stores and shops, some jazzy, some classical. What would Jaehyun give, for this moment to last? Anything, just to stay longer with Taeyong.

"It feels like Christmas."

"Huh?" Jaehyun didn't hear what Taeyong said since the rain enveloping them.

Taeyong turn to him, steps slowing down and face bright with wide smile and happy eyes, "don't you think it feels like Christmas?"

 _This moment or being with you?_ Jaehyun asked in his head, but it's the same, isn't it? "It does, and it feels like there's only us in this world."

Taeyong laughs, squeezing his hand, "what do you want for our Christmas Jaehyun?"

Without thinking, with bold honesty, Jaehyun answer, "you."

The smile never fades, instead Taeyong's entire being facing him with both hands holding his, and his eyes, his eyes telling Jaehyun as if he wants to- "can I kiss you, Jaehyun?"

 _Yes_ , with Taeyong the word no never enter his mind, yes, yes, yes, a thousand yes. He didn't answer, because he's already leaning down and undo their hands to hold Taeyong's beautiful face and kiss him. It feels right, euphoric in a way as if you found what you've been searching for, yet with a sense of peace underneath a raging ocean and the thunders in their hearts. And it's intensify when Jaehyun feels the way Taeyong glide his hands over his wet back to his shoulder, then up to hold the side of his neck, precious and warm in the cold rain. The taste of cold water on their lips, foreign on their warm tongue, yet natural in their embrace. Their feet shifts as their lips moves to feel more, hands trailing stories on their bodies, every cells in them sing and their silhouettes sways like a dance only the two of them knows.

They were so hesitant, too uncertain before due to their scars and fear, yet that night, they reach out without question. It was Jaehyun who voiced it out, "you're different today, Taeyong."

He lets out a soft breath over Jaehyun's lips, fingers caressing his jaw, "when I decided to walk out from that door upon a light which flickered off, I don't want to question who loves more and I just want to love, love like what my heart tells me."

"When you say things like that, I might take it wrongly..." And it feels so good, to be looked at with so much affection and yearning, to be truly wanted, not by just anybody else, but by Taeyong.

"And I want you to, take it rightly," he kisses him again.

"Let's go home, Taeyong."

Hand in hand, feet dancing under the rain, it does feel like coming home.

The door closes, shoes taken off and hands pulling each other into an embrace and another kiss, never reaching to turn on the lights. They stumbles their way inside the tight apartment, bodies sliding and rubbing against each other, wet hairs in between their fingers, tongues exploring their own taste. Their pants getting tight and clothes stick uncomfortably on their skin, they want to take it off, but the trembles in their hands says otherwise, so they both take a breath to calm down a bit and share a smile.

"I think we should... Shower first," Jaehyun said in the darkness of the room.

"I was thinking the same... Who first?"

"Um..." Now is the time to ask what's been in his mind, "between us, um... Which one do you want to be?"

Taeyong blinks, thinking, until he gets what Jaehyun was asking, "oh, that... Hmm... What do you prefer?"

"I... Honestly don't know, that's why i asked you."

"Then... You take the shower first, because my preparation will take longer..." Taeyong whispered and Jaehyun understood right away.

"Oh. Is that okay...?"

"That's what I want... So," he blushed, making Jaehyun blush along.

"Then I will... Shower fast so you won't get cold..." He wanted to help with the preparation, but he thinks that's pretty much private and they're not that intimate yet, beside Jaehyun wasn't so confident either that's why he didn't say much. His nerves were high in tension, so nervous he actually kind of feeling like the food in his stomach bubbling up, but he managed to finish his shower soon enough despite getting out the bathroom frying his sanity. It's strange how he's so excited yet also so nervous.

Taeyong took longer in the bathroom, Jaehyun try not to focus too much on the sound of running water and looking around Taeyong's room instead, even though he's already familiar with that place. When Taeyong emerges from the bathroom, Jaehyun instantly straighten up in his seat by the bed, fists on his knees which covered by the robe he's wearing. Steams rolling off Taeyong's body visible only because of the lights from the bathroom behind him. He took steps closer and stops right before Jaehyun, hands gripping his robe on his chest.

"I've cleaned myself thoroughly, so there's no smell..."

"... But you never smell."

Taeyong bites his lip, "no, not that, I mean... Well, uh, let's just... Um..."

"Okay... Uh, do you have... Condoms and lube? I just realized we didn't make a stop when we were walking home."

Taeyong blushed, raising his hand to point at the nightstand by the bed, "I keep them there."

Jaehyun bend to search and found them in the bottom drawer, lamenting the fact his hand was shaking when he took them out. When he sits up, Taeyong was still standing there unmoving, now he's even more nervous not knowing what to do with the awkwardness. Should they stop? They weren't planning this through, maybe they're rushing it and not ready yet? Taeyong hasn't said anything though, so he asked, "do you want to continue...?"

Slowly, he looks up, still biting his bottom lip, then he nodded as he's walking closer and gingerly sitting down beside Jaehyun, "yes..."

The room is too quiet, Jaehyun could practically hear the fast beating of his heart and how the veins in his neck and temples are pulsating, he wonders if Taeyong could hear it. With how nervous he is, he also wonders if he could get it up, he didn't want to do anything wrong or disappointing. But then, there's a hand touching his cheek, holding his face and Jaehyun didn't fail to notice how cold it feels to his skin, or the way it trembles. Taeyong is as nervous as he is, and wants to do this as much as he does. So he also holds Taeyong's face, placing his other hand on the man's waist and leaning in for a kiss.

It's slow and shallow at first, lips nibbling upon lips, until Jaehyun opens his mouth and licks at Taeyong's upper lip and the man follows by opening his mouth also. Tongues met in the middle, moving slowly against one another to find the right rhythm, to figure out which way works best and gradually by instinct, their kisses become more natural and they explore deeper and more daring. When Taeyong slowing down a little, Jaehyun pushes in and taste the inside of his mouth, caresses his palate with the tip of his tongue and savoring the way Taeyong's body vibrates against him with pleasant goosebumps over his skin under Jaehyun's hands. It feels good, it sets fire in his gut ablaze to know Taeyong is also feeling good from his ministration.

Jaehyun runs his hands over the man's body, from his arms to his shoulder, then down to feel his legs and trailing up to caress his thighs, sneaking under the robe to feel more skin. But he didn't touch his prize yet, too focused in their kiss since Taeyong pushing back and licking into his mouth, their breaths getting rougher and shorter. From their mouths, the sensations of their kiss felt in their entire body, like hot liquid surging in their veins and swirling with intensity, pumping blood to their burning arousals. Whenever Taeyong lightly bites his lips, Jaehyun feels his crotch twitches and more hot swirls spreading from his chest to his entirety like webs, the same with how good it feels the way Taeyong moving his hands across his skin, mapping, seeking, exploring. They try to change position without really stopping from the kiss, knees knocking and legs moving awkwardly until Jaehyun got Taeyong lying in bed underneath him with his thighs over his own folded thighs.

He fingers the knot over Taeyong's robe, asking in a gentle whisper, "may I?"

The man nodded, bringing his hands to the knot of Jaehyun's robe too and start undressing each other. There's a sound of appreciation in deep hum from Taeyong's chest when Jaehyun's arousal come into view, blooming proud and confidence inside him. The sight which greets Jaehyun was no less stunning, Taeyong's body was beautiful, perfect and Jaehyun's throat tightens from the sheer desire alone. He leans down, torn between kissing Taeyong's lips or his skin, but of course he could do both, so he kisses his lips first. Supple lips trailing down inch by inch, slowly, softly, writing the memory of how Taeyong's skin feels to his sensitive lips, heavenly it was.

Taeyong brings a hand to cover his mouth when Jaehyun kissing his neck and down to his chest, unable to control the way his breathing come short and heavy, he's not sure whether the sound will bother Jaehyun. But when the warm lips reached his nipple, he couldn't hold in the little moan out of his mouth, making him embarrassed with red deepening under his golden skin. Then there's a hand catching his, bringing it away from his lips and he sees the way Jaehyun looking at him so tenderly.

"Don't hide, I want to hear you."

Taeyong look away, face feels burning, "it's embarrassing..."

"I will be making the same noise, bet, so don't be embarrassed," Jaehyun chuckles.

Despite not really in the right mind from the embarrassment which muddling his head, Taeyong chuckle too, "still..."

"Touch me too, Taeyong."

Jaehyun continues to kiss his body, occasionally licking parts of his skin, Taeyong bites his finger yet no longer holding in his voice too much. Slowly, he reaches out his other hand below in between their bodies, catching the heat and hardness in his hold. His heart beats even faster, strongly kicking his ribcage to realize that Jaehyun was already hard to its fullness, feeling flattered and encouraged by the evidence that the other man is turned on by him. Experimentally, Taeyong moves his hand over Jaehyun's hard arousal, earning himself a little moan which drives him to go harder, watching with awe and proud to see Jaehyun feeling it strongly just from his touch alone. And he couldn't help the desire to lean up to kiss him, holding his nape to keep him there for long, inserting his tongue into Jaehyun's welcoming, hot mouth.

"Wait, don't... Not there..." Jaehyun moans to Taeyong's lips, inhaling his air and tasting his saliva, "if you keep at it I'll... Too fast."

Taeyong stops, because Jaehyun asked him to, and because the man moving away to get the lube and squirt it in his palm. His mind feels hazy, like floating and he swallowed subconsciously as he watch Jaehyun bringing his wet hand down to his crotch. Oh, Taeyong couldn't stop the rather loud noise which escaping his mouth when that hand touching his rim. A thick finger circling around it, slowly inching inside, Taeyong throw his head back, biting his lip since the sensations both shameful and eating away his sanity.

"Jaehyun..." He breathes out.

"Does it hurt?" The man sliding in his finger down to his knuckles, rotating and pulling at the edges, the viscosity sticking to his walls is uncomfortable as it is creating sounds far too lewd. "Tell me if it hurts."

"It feels strange."

"Hold on," Jaehyun whispered, pushing in two fingers slowly when it starting to softens.

Taeyong wasn't sure if he wants to continue, it feels too weird and too much with just two fingers, it stings. He didn't say anything, he could still handle it, but his body jerks when Jaehyun opens his fingers inside him, scissoring him. Jaehyun looks up with exploring eyes under a thick layer of lust, impatience visible yet remain caring, "did that hurt?"

"A little..." Taeyong try to settle his breathing, noticing the way he's clenching close on Jaehyun's fingers in the wake of his uncertainty. "Slowly..."

Goes slower Jaehyun did, the pace they're going is maddening, they're impatient to go for the intercourse right away, but they're perfectly aware this part is important for them to be able to fully enjoy it together. Jaehyun alternates from opening up Taeyong with touching parts of his body to help him relax, kissing him gently whenever he tries to slide in another finger, until he managed to get three of them inside and Taeyong no longer writhing in pain.

"Do you want to stop? It seems too hard on your body, you're not really hard now..." Jaehyun asked cautiously, careful with the other man's feelings.

"It's okay, it stings a little yet kind of numb now...?" Taeyong shifts a bit, moving his hip and then, something feels bubbling up inside and the next there's a sound coming out down there which stills the moment and silence draping over them. Taeyong blinks, Jaehyun's eyes widening slightly, shame rousing inside that the shorter man burst out laughing in embarrassment, followed by Jaehyun's deep laughter.

"I was about to pretend that didn't happen," he laughed.

Taeyong slaps his shoulder and hides his face which feels like a furnace now, "for your information that wasn't a fart!"

"Okay... Then that was the lube and my fingers..."

"I'm not lying!" Taeyong whines loudly.

Jaehyun continue laughing while Taeyong kicking his heels to the man's thighs, still hiding his face under his hands. Eventually they both calming down and Jaehyun giggles, "alright, I know, I was just teasing you."

Taeyong pouts, "of course you know, if it was a real one I bet you wouldn't keep your fingers inside."

"Who says? I'm not so petty that I would stop just because you farted on me," he laughs again.

Taeyong scrunched up his nose, "you're crazy... That's disgusting."

"It's not, really, it's normal. And that says just how much..."

He waits, curious of what Jaehyun was about to say, "how much... What?"

"You know what, I'm not about to say it when we're doing this," Jaehyun whispered, the color red back again to his pale face, from his ears even down to his shoulder.

"But I want to hear it..." He whispers back, coiling his arms on Jaehyun's shoulder.

"Later..." He looks away, far too shy to show his face.

"I can't believe you, you're more embarrassed to say those words than our current situation?" Taeyong laughed.

"Shh, focus."

Taeyong couldn't say more because Jaehyun start moving his fingers again, back and forth, circling and opening, until, Taeyong's body jerked and a loud moan ripped out of his wide open mouth. He clasped his mouth quickly, surprised by his own moan, staring wide eyed to Jaehyun who's looking to him with astonishment.

"Wh- what- _ah!_ " His voice lost into another moan as Jaehyun jabs the same spot.

"Found it," he groaned, picking up his pace and can't help his own moans to follow Taeyong's louder, insistent ones. And he's glad to see that Taeyong getting hard again, he stops, pulling out his fingers and leaning down bodily to feel Taeyong's hot body against him, kissing his mouth desperately as he breathes out, "i can't wait any longer, can i? Are you okay?"

Truth to be told, Jaehyun's rough voice and his sweaty hot body on him, almost made him come. Taeyong closed his eyes to fight back the shudder of his body, fire licking in his groin and to his whole being. All he could say was, "gently..."

Jaehyun didn't lean back, instead he blindly reach for his own arousal and jerks it a few times before sliding it over Taeyong's rim, both moaning at the sensations, the anticipation, the desire. Before he push in, Taeyong grips at his shoulder, pausing him for a moment, "wait, Jaehyun... Don't forget the condom... You're still bare right...?"

With a groan, he finally straightens up, initially not willing to separate from Taeyong's body, but it's not possible for him to wear the condom without looking. He tore the package and slide it on with trembling hands, have half a mind to lather more generous lube over it to make it easier for both of them. Then, Jaehyun try to push in again, watching Taeyong's face with rap attention should he see any indication of pain. And there was, because Taeyong's face contorted, Jaehyun grow unsure.

"Do you want to-"

"Keep at it, I can do it," Taeyong said with a hiss, hands fisting the sheets and legs spreading trying to accommodate and make it easier. Still, it's painful for him, there's a fear that he might tear it given how hurt it was. And Jaehyun didn't miss it, he knows it's too hard for Taeyong, aside from the look of hurt on the man's face, he feels the way Taeyong clenching hard around him. Oh God as if it's not hard already, the tightness around him causing him to lose his mind. Taeyong, beautiful Taeyong with his flushed body and pretty moans pouring out from his luscious lips, Jaehyun couldn't take it. He pulls out, without taking off the condom from the urgency raging his lust, he's stroking his arousal hard and desperately, coming into the latex only by the sight before him, Taeyong's legs spread wide beneath and twitching redness of his wet opening. It racks his body in strong waves, long dragged out orgasm with loud moans and groans.

Then, he fell forward on his arms by Taeyong's head, breathing hard and ragged, "sorry i... I can't hold it in."

"It's okay... It's fine, Jaehyun, I-" he didn't come yet, actually he softens a bit due to the pain, but he didn't manage to finish his sentence because Jaehyun already holding his arousal, "wait, Jae-"

Jaehyun didn't mind Taeyong's voice, continue stroking as the least he could do. He inserts a finger to fondle the spot he knows will show stars in Taeyong's eyes, didn't stop working both sides to bring the man to the edge. Until, Taeyong's loud moans shift into a swallowed scream and he twitched strongly in Jaehyun's hand, spurting white and glistening wetness on his stomach and some pooling in his navel. Oh the view, so debauched yet so mesmerizing, Jaehyun feels urged to go down and lick into that beautiful navel, but instead he kisses Taeyong hungrily, as if he wants to swallow him whole. Taeyong is twitching in his arms, soft moans accompanied with whimper because Jaehyun still stroking him even though he's no longer coming, overstimulated it's starting to feel painful.

"Jaehyun, mhm..." It's hard to speak, when Jaehyun's mouth over his, he bites his lower lip lightly before he try speaking again, "stop... Stop that."

"Sorry..." He grunts apologetically, sitting up to tie off the condom and toss it to a nearby trashcan, lying back down on his side to Taeyong's left, "sorry i was suck at it... Now i must've scared you off with my inexperience."

Taeyong's eyes are closed, still focusing on settling down his breath, but the words said echoing in his mind until a conclusion risen to the surface. Breathlessly, he said, "are you telling me this was your first time?"

"Uh.. Yeah...?" Jaehyun grimace with an awkward smile, "wasn't planning to make it so obvious, but, well... Can't fool anyone after what happened."

"First time trying anal or being with a man?"

"No, err... Generally, I've never been with anyone to this point," he said sheepishly, blushing.

Taeyong staring at him in surprise, seconds stretched into minute and Jaehyun to grow anxious, until the shorter man burst into laughter, "oh my God that's so funny."

"Excuse me, do you have to be that surprised?" Jaehyun grumbles, pride hurt.

"No, I-" Taeyong giggles, trying to stop his laughter. "I'm sorry I wasn't laughing at you, I was laughing at our situation. I was so nervous you know? Because I thought you were the one with experience out of the both of us, I was also afraid to do something wrong... To think that we were both too nervous because of the same reason, that's just too funny," he laughs again.

Jaehyun blinks, confused, "you mean... This was also your first time?"

Taeyong laughing again, pulling at the blanket to cover their bodies which he belatedly realized still very much naked, and wet... He also noticed as he moved and felt it. "Is that so weird? It's harder to believe that this was your first time, you know? I mean, look at you, you are... You are charming, you could get anyone you wanted with just your smile," he got some tissue to wipe off the stickiness on his stomach, being more discreet with the one in his crotch, although he obviously fails at it since he saw Jaehyun's eyes following his hand going down there. Maybe he should wait? Or do it in the toilet? He's far too bothered with the wet sensations to really stop wiping it off though, so he continues.

"That's supposed to be my word, you clearly haven't seen yourself in the mirror enough if you think you're less than being absolutely stunning that you can turn heads just by simply standing. Damn, everytime you breathes I got blown away, you- i-" he sighed while sharing his head, "honestly, I have no words to say just how amazing you are Taeyong, it's not really wrong of me to think that you're way out of my league."

"Me? Out of your league?" Taeyong chuckled, "I think _you are_ , out of my league."

"Yeah, well, let's just say we're both a whole catch and be done with it," Jaehyun shrugged, earning himself airy laughter from the other and he follows suit, scooting closer to rest his arm on the curve of Taeyong's waist, "all those times talking with you, feels unreal because it's hard to believe i really am with someone so beautiful like you, so stunning. And when you laugh, really, I feel like floating."

"I think the same," he said with a smile, little dreamy sigh escaping his lips, "when i first saw you, i thought how handsome you are, taller than me, just all gorgeous and cool. And you were so kind too, you were like those dreamy princes in the movies, someone who makes you feel like falling in love just by the sight of you. But when i get to know you better..." He brings a finger to trail over Jaehyun's nose, his lips, and stopping on his chin, before his eyes goes back to gaze into the other pair of dark brown eyes, "shades and contours makes the art even better."

"You words, your eyes, your mannerism, you, Taeyong, you really sneak into the rooms in my heart and haunts me," Jaehyun grunts as he pulls Taeyong even closer, embracing his body tightly, "you make me want to kiss you all the time."

"I never say you can't," he rubs his face to Jaehyun's jaw, kissing his neck lightly and hugs him back as tight, "can i hear the words you were about to say though?"

"Which one?" Jaehyun slipping in an arm under Taeyong neck, a grin on his lips when the shorter man smiling in realization of his attempt to cuddle.

"You know which one, Jaehyun, don't play dumb. Or you want me to say it first? I thought you're the flirt here," he giggles.

"There's a reason why i thought you were the expert in sex, your teasing and your words, you were a bigger flirt than me," Jaehyun wiggles his eyebrows, causing Taeyong to laugh.

"I wasn't! Sure my head can get dirty and I might be a flirt but compared to you? You outshine me."

"Anyway, you wanted me to say the words," he changed the topic in such an obvious way, Taeyong grins at Jaehyun's funny look, "well Taeyong, i... Can't say it now because I'm butt naked in your bed and can't do anything."

Now a frown made on Taeyong's face, even though he's still smiling in amusement, "what's being naked got anything to do with saying the words?"

"Because that's not cool, and I've already done lame just earlier this night so I'm not gonna make it worse. I want to say it in a special moment and place," he said with a serious face despite his body language showing that he's trying to be funny. Fortunately, Taeyong did find him funny and laughed.

"You're really something, Jaehyun. You're trying to be cool? Please, you long passed that with me, you're silly and cute in my eyes now," Taeyong hiss with adoration, squeezing Jaehyun's cheeks with his palms so that his lips jutted out like a duck snout.

"To be honest I'm always cool, you know? It's just that with you, I'm out of my head and crazy, how can I think when you are near me?" He said with a nasally, funny voice since Taeyong still squishing his face.

"Do you know how cute you sounds, saying all that with your face looking like this?" He chuckled, kissing Jaehyun's ducky lips and smiling to it, "and you said I'm the bigger flirt."

"One must exert creativity to hide one's nervousness," Jaehyun said after his face being let go.

"So you're still nervous with me now? All this time?" Taeyong no longer feel so nervous, being together like that in bed, skin to skin and under a warm blanket, feels nice.

"It feels really good to cuddle with you like this, truth. But you know, every time you kiss me, or I kiss you... I just want to touch you more."

"You can touch me, Jaehyun. Nobody said we can only cuddle now, if you want to try again, I also want to try again. If we fail again, then we will try again," he said softly, fingers twirling in Jaehyun's hair.

"It's nice you said that, I feel less nervous, a bit," Jaehyun chuckles, "but I think I'm too nervous to even try again tonight."

"Yeah, i think we should try it another night... Three fingers already got me sore, and you obviously..." Taeyong look down slowly, suggestively, "i think we need to train my ass first or you'll never gonna fit."

"Hold on," Jaehyun blushed hardly, almost yelling, "you did not, just said that, i almost got hard!"

"If you get hard then we can do it again, why so confused?" He giggles, placing an arm on Jaehyun.

"You're a menace- hey, watch where your hands is going, don't touch me."

"I was just gonna hug you... Don't worry, i won't do anything more tonight, we're obviously not yet prepared," he sighed with closed eyes, nuzzling his face to Jaehyun's collarbone, "let's just stay like this, we can talk... Or just sleep, it's nice."

Jaehyun kissed the crown of Taeyong's head, brushing his hair, "you are right, just like this is nice."

They stay like that for a while, not saying anything, just feeling each other's breath, the warmth of their skin and tickles of their hair. The room is dark, only small flickering lights from the window accompanying their intimacy. Jaehyun has his fingers caressing Taeyong's bare shoulder, absent-mindedly as he's staring at the lights from outside, Taeyong was also looking at the same thing. They weren't thinking of anything, they just stare, and then Jaehyun whisper.

"You were right, strangely it feels like Christmas."

Taeyong hummed, his hand stroking Jaehyun's chest, "I hope we can be like this in the real Christmas, relaxing, some day off from work."

"You took a leave?"

"No, I was just thinking that it would be nice if we could take a couple of days off additional to the weekend for Christmas."

Jaehyun kissed his head, "I think, it would be nice if we could really do that, for the next year too."

Taeyong looks up, watching the lights swimming in Jaehyun's eyes, he could feel the sincerity in them, "I don't mind you can't say those words, Jaehyun. I can see you aren't comfortable with it, and I don't mind, as long as I'm the only one to have you like this. And I won't say it too, maybe it's just me, but I feel like those words bring you pain from the past, so I won't say it."

He stares at him, bringing his other hand to touch Taeyong's cheek, overwhelmed by what the man just said, "you're the only one I'm looking for, I see no one else. You were right, those words... Were said to me so freely, yet it was nothing but empty lies to wring me dry, so I'm afraid to trust in those words, to hear it from you and question whether you'll leave me and when you will hurt me."

"Then I will keep it with me, I won't say it until you did," Taeyong holds Jaehyun's face, brings him down to kiss his lips chastely, "until then, I will show you how much I do, how much I feel for you, I will shower you with it that I am, to you."

Jaehyun doesn't know what to say, he hadn't said anything, yet it seems Taeyong saw through him already. He tried to make light of it, he didn't even think he was that wary of those words to the point he's afraid to say it. It's true that he feels bad for being unable to say it, but Taeyong understand, he trusts him and it feels more than those words could deliver how much his heart was touched. They haven't even really started yet, but their beginnings already far better and warmer than his whole past relationship. If it was even a relationship.

It still hurts, of course it is, but Jaehyun doesn't want to regret. Being with Taeyong, he doesn't want to, he'll try his best for them to not regret this moment even long in the future.

"Christmas is a few months away, time seems to go by faster with you and I think I'll play a song, to make our first Christmas right."

Taeyong knows what he meant, "you don't have to force it..."

"But I want to, take it as me planning to make it special, if you will. I'm not forcing myself, I'm preparing myself so you'll feel the same with me," Jaehyun grins.

"Silly," Taeyong kissed his cheek, "even tonight already felt like Christmas with you, that's how special it feels to me."

"Then... I want it to be an even more special _real_ Christmas," Jaehyun said with so much glee, excitement. The words are already well on his tongue, but he will save it, for it is important to him, and Taeyong is as much important, he will not make it cheap.

"I can already see it, our first _real_ Christmas will be very warm," Taeyong chuckles.

And they spent the rest of the night like that, bare not just their bodies, but more about their hearts, warm in their whispers.

_'In the train did we met, and in the rain, we danced.'_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this bring a smile on your lips however small it might be ^^
> 
> Comments are always appreciated, i love to know what you think of my story 😘
> 
> Hit me up on my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/RiriSailing?s=09) if you like :))


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